The Archetype Diet Read online

  As you ascend to your crown and rebalance your physical body, you can relax these meal guidelines and add some starchy carbs back into your diet, starting with ½ cup at lunch and at dinner. You can also reintroduce red meat up to once a week, and nuts according to the portion sizes suggested here. If you find your weight stagnating, return to the baseline program outlined above until you are back on track, then reintroduce these foods more gradually.

  EXERCISE SOLUTIONS FOR THE NURTURER

  Because the Nurturer often feels heavy and inflamed, an exercise program that boosts her metabolism is best for her. Ideal types of exercise include the rebounder, running, boxing, HIIT (high-intensity interval training), circuit training, and dance. Do any combination of these four days a week and take a yoga class once a week. This is not to say that slower movement classes, like a barre class, won’t work for you (it’s certainly better than nothing), but it’s less effective than the high-intensity classes. If you love barre class or Pilates, go up to three times a week, but you must add three other types of exercise the rest of the week. The goal of exercise for a Nurturer is to increase fat burning, boost the metabolism, boost the thyroid function, and circulate the lymphatic fluid.

  CHAPTER 3

  The Wonder Woman

  I was sixteen years old and a gun was pointed at my head. This was not some teenage suicide game; there was an armed robbery in progress at the produce store where I worked (yes, even then I liked vegetables). I grew up in a beautiful, safe, beachside town in Australia, so I was not prepared for such violence. People here carried surf boards, not guns!

  Once my initial shock subsided, I started to fill the beige bank bag with money as the man in the hood had demanded. When he tried to grab it out of my hand, I snarled at him and spat, “I’m not finished yet!” continuing to fill the bag with money. Only a Wonder Woman would risk her life in order to achieve perfection!

  WONDER WOMAN AT HER CROWN: AMBITIOUS AND ASSURED

  Wonder Woman is dynamic, driven, and determined. She’s motivated by success and achievement and expects the best from herself and others. She rarely cracks under pressure. She embodies feminine strength, courage, and resilience. She’s self-motivated, a natural strategist, and has an extraordinary capacity to create. If you want something done well, give it to a Wonder Woman.

  Although she isn’t indifferent to fashion or her looks, being pretty isn’t enough for Wonder Woman; she wants to be known as a woman of substance and depth. More than any other archetype, Wonder Woman believes that she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. Her personal history has confirmed this: studying hard meant top of the class; training hard meant winning; consistent practice meant being a virtuoso. Wonder Woman wants to leave a legacy. She wants beauty, brains, the perfect marriage, and perfect children. She wants to be remembered. She wants to have it all.

  Wonder Woman measures her success by her environment and social structure. A New York–based Wonder Woman may be determined to be the head of a publishing company before the age of forty. A San Francisco–based Wonder Woman may strive to be the president of a successful tech start-up before she turns thirty. A Los Angeles–based actress won’t be content starring in the film; she’ll want to produce and direct it, too! If she lives in a small town, Wonder Woman wants to be on the board of the area’s largest employer. She wants to be the biggest fish no matter the size of the pond.

  Although many Wonder Women gravitate toward high-powered jobs, they don’t have to work to identify with this archetype. A stay-at-home mom can be a Wonder Woman. She’ll be the one directing her kids to take piano and French lessons, making sure her home always looks immaculate, and running a successful mommy-and-me blog. She prides herself on being busy and excelling at whatever she does.

  Celebrated Wonder Women include Hillary Clinton, Sheryl Sandberg, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Gretchen Rubin, Jane Goodall, Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada, and your sister who just made partner at her law firm and has two children under the age of three.

  THE BELIEF SYSTEM: “I AM WORTHY BECAUSE OF WHAT I DO”

  When Wonder Woman is recognized for her excellence, she exudes charm, grace, and self-assurance. But if her work is disparaged, she can feel threatened, as if her whole life is under attack. Other archetypes simply accept the feedback and move on, but, for Wonder Woman, the pain can last for days or even longer. When this happens frequently, Wonder Woman may withdraw and shield herself from criticism by declining opportunities for exposure. She fears being wrong, as it makes her feel like a fraud, an imposter, a failure. This is devastating for a Wonder Woman, who prides herself on getting things right.

  Wonder Woman will work until midnight for weeks (or years) to ensure her project, design, or speech is flawless, whereas the Femme Fatale or Ethereal will be happy with what they were able to get done in the time allocated. The Nurturer will only work long hours if it doesn’t cause her to neglect her obligations to family or friends.

  As Wonder Woman has been programmed to be the best, she can sacrifice her self-care and intimate relationships in the pursuit of excellence.

  In her aptly titled book, Wonder Women: Sex, Power, and the Quest for Perfection, Barnard College president and author Debora Spar wrote, “Because we could do anything, we felt as if we had to do everything. . . . We’d convinced ourselves that having it all meant doing it all. Want to do well? Work hard. Want a nice dollhouse? Build it.”1

  If Wonder Woman is a stay-at-home mom, she must keep her mind intellectually stimulated so she feels she has a purpose. If not, she can become obsessed with her body, embracing the traits of a dysfunctional Femme Fatale. Two-hour daily training sessions and a fixation on her nonexistent imperfections become the norm. Her active mind becomes dull and she may ultimately live a lackluster existence, even if it’s wrapped up in the opulence of a Park Avenue penthouse.

  When I was working in finance in the early 2000s, I wanted to be just like the company’s chief operating officer (COO). Three days after giving birth, this Wonder Woman was back running European operations. At the time, I perceived this poised woman, a mother and a corporate powerhouse, as the pinnacle of success who embodied my belief that a woman could have it all.

  But years later, after a decade of consulting with countless Wonder Women like my COO, the illusion had shattered. I realized that far too many of these women were living in an underworld where joy was buried under the expectation of everything they thought they needed to be and do. Wonder Woman was stretched to depletion and her mind hijacked by a never-ending to-do list. So how did this otherwise accomplished archetype wind up following this distorted script?

  CHILDHOOD PATTERNS: FROM WONDER GIRLS TO WONDER WOMEN

  The post-feminist movement ushered in herds of Wonder Women. Girls were encouraged to pursue careers as doctors, lawyers, bankers, or tech entrepreneurs, options that had eluded women of previous generations. Fathers wanted their daughters to excel and mothers wanted them to know that they could be anything they wanted to be. Good grades were the ticket to freedom, and Wonder Girls were praised for their scholastic accomplishments. They quickly learned that the more they did, the more attention they received. Straight As, swim team captain, and running the school newspaper—the Wonder Girl did it all. While these accolades boosted her self-confidence, she unwittingly tied her value to her ability. She created the subconscious imprint of “I am worthy because of what I do.”

  And American culture backed it up. Wonder Girl learned to be a busy girl. Idle time was perceived as wasted time. Her mother had banished Barbie from the house because she feared sending her daughter the wrong message about female beauty. Instead, Mommy sent Wonder Girl to after-school karate and French lessons. Daddy wanted her to be a CEO, so he brought her books and encouraged her to do well in math. Future Wonder Woman was too busy to have playtime, a habit she proudly continued into adulthood. Being busy meant she was importan
t.

  Or perhaps it wasn’t parents or society pushing her to succeed and showering her with opportunity; she may have grown up without material wealth and vowed to make her own way in the world. When my client Kayla was an impressionable twelve–year-old, she watched her mother’s self-worth disintegrate along with her marriage and finances. Kayla could feel her mother’s humiliation as she cleaned hotel rooms to make ends meet. Kayla unconsciously made the decision to become financially successful in order to avoid the feelings of shame she saw her mother endure. She sacrificed playtime for study time. She pursued excellence and intellect and is now one of the most prominent women in technology. But this success came at a cost, as it does for all Wonder Women.

  When my parents divorced, my mother raised her four children mostly on her own. While she taught us impeccable manners and made us walk with books on our head so we had good posture, she felt embarrassed that she was not married and money was tight. I promised myself that I would never put myself in a position where I would depend on someone else for financial support. I had already internalized the belief that, since I would never be the prettiest, I would have to gain attention in another way, and I did so by being a smart student and overachiever. This pattern only intensified when my father praised me for receiving good grades or quizzed me on what I had learned in school. Witnessing my mother’s sense of failure in tandem with the attention I got from my father for achieving firmly cemented my view that being smart was the path to acceptance.

  WONDER GIRLS AND STRESS

  I worry that many teenage girls are headed toward burnout. I’ve seen many sixteen-year-olds whose adrenal glands are working overtime. They have no energy, their periods are erratic, they’re irritable, and they’re sleeping fewer than six hours per night. They are Wonder Women–in-waiting. These girls are typically straight-A students, have track and field practice after school, work a part-time job, are auditioning for the lead in the school play, and always want to look beautiful on social media. It’s too much for an adult woman to handle, let alone a developing one. We all need time for play, particularly teenagers.

  If you know a young woman heading down this road, observe how she is valuing herself. Does she need to be reassured that she will still be respected, loved, and accepted if she’s not the best at everything? You might also want to take her through the exercises to heal the mind in Part III. If she gets sick, depressed, or paralyzed by stress, she’ll compromise her long-term goals, from college to career, and potentially miss out on simply having fun and being young. Most of all, be an inspiration for her—slow down, be graceful, and show her how it’s done.

  OUT OF BALANCE: “GET OUT OF MY WAY”

  As with all of the archetypes, when Wonder Women are out of balance, there is both an amplification and a withdrawal of their traits. The amplification will present itself in the excessive pursuit of recognition. As Wonder Woman is programmed to believe that success is linear, the more effort she exerts, the greater the reward she expects. Sleep is cut back to an unsustainable six hours a night or less. She skips meals and can’t remember the last time she cooked. Sex becomes nonexistent, which makes her feel even worse, as now she’s not even a good lover!

  In the amplification, Wonder Woman is a blur of activity moving with intensity from one to-do list item to the next. As time is her most precious resource, be prepared for Wonder Woman’s fury when anyone slows her down. It’s not that she is angry; it’s simply that her schedule is so tight that any disruption means less time for her. Held up in traffic for twenty minutes? That could have been an extra twenty minutes of sleep. A meeting that ran over by fifteen minutes? That’s when she planned to eat, so now she has to skip lunch. She’s starving . . . and not just for food.

  In fact, a nagging emptiness plagues far too many Wonder Women. I speculate that this comes in part from her de-prioritizing the human need for affection and attention and overvaluing her need for acknowledgment and appreciation. Recently, a fifty-eight-year-old Wonder Woman client of mine declared that she wanted a part-time boyfriend because her career demanded so much from her. This statement made me pause. We all, men and women, have an innate desire to connect on an emotional level. Real love is not needy or, as Wonder Woman fears, too soft or vulnerable. Professional achievement, no matter how successful you are, will never replace the aphrodisiac of real love.

  Even if Wonder Woman has “settled down” into a long-term relationship, she must have something to keep her always-active mind engaged. I’ve seen too many Wonder Women in a loving marriage with children they adore who nonetheless find themselves asking, “Is this it?” A Nurturer or Femme Fatale may be content with this life, but not the Wonder Woman. She needs to accomplish things, otherwise she will feel depleted and she can end up resenting her partner or children for taking her away from something else that gives her independence and relevance.

  Since Wonder Woman is so action-oriented, she usually acts in the amplification when she is out of balance. However, certain situations can cause her to withdraw and operate from a place of insecurity. When this happens, she is not the robust, strong, feminine force she likes to be but, rather, paralyzed into inaction for fear of criticism and humiliation. Due to one of my own childhood wounds, I would often decline opportunities to speak to large audiences. The fear of being wrong and considered a fraud was so powerful that I would instinctively say no to these opportunities. Once I altered this false belief, I jumped at every opportunity to speak and share my message.

  THE WONDER WOMAN ARCHETYPE: THIRD CHAKRA

  Wonder Woman is governed by her third chakra, which represents personal power. Strip her of her success (her education, career, money, smart kids, social status, or whatever she holds in high regard) and she’ll feel a dull ache between her sternum and her belly button. This is where the third chakra is located. Wonder Woman will quickly want to get rid of this uncomfortable thought (or not even consider it!).

  The third chakra is expressed through the color yellow. Any time Wonder Woman feels uncomfortable, she can support herself with the yellow color spectrum. She can skew her diet toward yellow foods such as pineapple, yellow bell peppers, yellow squash, golden beets, yellow tomatoes, yellow watermelon, and lemons. (Not yellow M&M’s, Wonder Woman!) She can also wear yellow lingerie or use a swipe of golden eye shadow. In fact, she can add a dash of yellow or gold anywhere.

  EATING BEHAVIOR: “I DESERVE IT!”

  A Wonder Woman at her crown has a peaceful relationship with food. You instinctively know what to eat for your body and mood and don’t feel the need to control—or be overly indulgent. You trust how food nourishes you, and if you gain some weight, you know precisely what to do to bring your diet back into balance.

  However, when your crown is knocked off, you justify your daily consumption of dark chocolate (or a glass of red wine) by pointing to its antioxidant content (isn’t it good for you?) and the fact that you deserve it. After all, you’ve had a hard day. You can also be a mindless eater, tossing M&M’s into your mouth as you move from one meeting to the next. You skip meals, unintentionally, as your day can become so chaotic that you don’t have time to take a break to eat. One Wonder Woman client refused to drink water during the day because she felt she didn’t have time to make trips to the bathroom!

  Wonder Woman can also adopt an all-or-nothing attitude regarding food. You’re either on a diet or you’ve blown it, so all bets are off. You’re eating raw salads—or shoving cookies into your mouth. Clients like these often say, “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” and they mean it in all sincerity. But while the intention is there, an invalidation from your boss, a sick child, or a nasty comment on social media can send you into a tailspin, and before you’re even consciously aware of it, that leftover brownie you managed to avoid in the afternoon meeting has made its way into your mouth. Depending on how self-aware you are, the behavior will either stop there or
you’ll continue to eat mindlessly until you’re disappointed enough to start a “detox” the next day.

  THE CHALLENGE FOR WONDER WOMAN: IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE BUSY

  Wonder Woman has internalized the misguided belief that success equals recognition, and recognition means you’re important and therefore worthy of attention. From this, you have created your protective (but cracking) veneer of busyness, perfection, and control. But as you know (or will soon discover), this is a destructive fallacy, an illusion that can lead to physical imbalances such as fatigue, a bloated belly, and anxiety. It’s also left you with an emptiness that ever-so-quietly whispers, “Something is wrong.” The only thing that’s wrong, of course, is your erroneous belief that you are valued for your successes. You’re not. You are valued for who you are—flaws and all.

  If you want to have it all, you can, but you can’t expect to be the best mother, the best lover, and the best worker with godlike intuitive powers all at the same time! You can, however, be the most balanced mother, lover, and worker with godlike intuitive powers. While this sounds less impressive than “being the best,” this shift will enable you to be sexier, softer, and more at ease. It will lead to a richer life, not a perfect life. Ironically, that richness is what you thought a perfect life would give you.

  No archetype will find the deconstruction of her self-worth matrix easy. Like footprints in concrete, the old mind-set appears irreversible, but just as fresh concrete can be poured to erase the old footprints, new thoughts can be formed to replace old ones. When you stop defining other people by their accomplishments, you will find it easier to do the same for yourself. The first mini-challenge for Wonder Woman is to go to a party and not ask someone what they do for a living. Instead, try asking them what they do for pleasure. It’s adding a little Femme Fatale oomph to your life.